Odyssey of a Lifetime (Ayahuasca part 2)
Updated: Mar 15, 2020
As I closed my eyes, I dove deep into the abyss of sacred geometry, but much harder than before. I was being bombarded with mandalas moving at warp speed as they shapeshifted and transformed into seemingly unrelated imagery. So many colors and shapes enveloping me, taking me on a whirlwind of emotions. It's impossible for me to describe all that I saw. I do remember clearly seeing God's and Goddesses’ faces approaching me.
I opened my eyes and the visuals stayed the same. I turned around and laid on my back. The teepee was filled with a rainbow-colored geometric spiderweb. These insane visuals were the most amazing thing I had ever seen. So beautiful, intense and vivid.
My level of overwhelm was extreme, at this point. I was being sucked deeper and deeper into this crazy new realm. It was like coming in and out of a profound trance. I kept fighting it, trying to come back to my center but it felt impossible. It was so uncomfortable and hard.
After some time like that, I had to run out of the tent to finally purge.
I fell on my knees on the grass, under the night sky, releasing this powerful force that was demanding its way out. It was all liquid. A very acidic liquid that wouldn't stop coming out through my mouth. It was the most horrifying feeling I had experienced. I was literally on my knees, waiting for more to come out… while still being sucked in and out of a trance. There was no relief or clarity after the purging, either. I wasn't only releasing through my mouth... my eyes and my nose were watering like crazy. All the tissues in the world couldn't help me clean up such a mess.
I was in pain. Constantly moaning, not knowing where I really was or what was happening to me. My mind was spinning, trying to grasp what was going on. It couldn’t. This powerful and overwhelming abyss wouldn't release its grip on me. My body, my mind, my emotions, were being turned inside out.
I felt like I was dying.
I would get seconds of clarity, where I was able to get a grip on where I was and what was happening. Similar to what I’ve experienced with LSD, I would look in a different direction and swiftly would become entranced once again. Nothing of what was shown to me made any sense. My brain had been thrown into a blender and I was fighting like crazy to get it back.
At one point, I said -out loud- to myself: "Why the fuck would I put myself through something like this?!"
I spoke to myself out loud throughout the whole 8-hour odyssey. Yes, it was a true ODYSSEY!
"This is only for the brave. This is only for the brave", I kept repeating to myself.
Then, I remembered something the shaman had said to me before the ceremony. "Whenever you feel lost, try to remember what your intention is for doing this. What is your purpose?"
With the little to no energy I had left, I lifted my hand off the ground and placed it on my chest. Looking at it, trying to center and calm myself, I said: "What is my purpose?... I'm here to heal". I repeated it several times in both English and Spanish.
As soon as I said that, a bright light shone from above making its way through the sacred geometry portals, restructuring them. It felt like divine beings had come down to guide me.
They began showing me visions, scenes from my life and my family's life. Incredibly vivid visions would form one after the other, showing me the journey that my family has gone through, even from before I was born. All of these visions were linked to one another, and they would linger in front of me until I understood what they were telling/showing me. As soon as I understood the message and said the revelation out loud, the geometry would shift into the next event I needed to witness.
Not only was I witnessing what has happened, but I was also being my different family members within those scenes, feeling their emotions and their thoughts. Family members that are still alive, and others that have already passed away. They opened up their lives for me so I could see their processes and reasons for certain previously-inexplicable things in our family’s history.
Hidden doors had opened up for me to heal wounds that were being carried by generation after generation within my family. Wounds that affected all of us, deeply, and that only a few consciously know about.
I was being blessed by Grandma Aya to go so much deeper than what I was expecting. It wasn’t about healing my personal wounds. It was about healing the roots of those wounds, which is so much more powerful!!
I was mind-blown by the whole experience. It was so incredibly special and beautiful.
My body was extremely weak. I was exhausted. I was still on the floor, coming in and out of the trance, still vomiting, but I was able to consciously go through the passageways She was guiding me through.
My dizziness stayed strong throughout the whole night. I would also go cross-eyed and stick my tongue out from time to time. Don’t ask me why.
I kept repeating to myself: "I can do this. I can do this." I worked SO HARD!
Tiredness got the best of me, and the only thing I wanted to do was lay on the floor. It took me ages to finally give in to it, and I dropped in a fetal position right there next to my vomit. I was freezing, and so uncomfortable, but I just couldn't deal with myself anymore.
People kept coming up to me to see if I was OK. They would whisper different things in my ear, guiding me and helping me with my process. They explained what I was going through and what would help me. At one point, someone covered me with a blanket.
The shaman came several times to check on me. I would do my best to grasp his words, but I would rapidly dive into the abyss again. At that point, I couldn't talk, either. Moaning was my only form of communication. The only thing I mustered the strength to say was "This is an odyssey", "This is only for the brave... I'm so brave".
The shaman said to me that this was life itself. That I have been strong enough to fight life alone, and that now I was doing something similar. Afterward, he would explain to me that me laying on the floor as a fetus was part of what is called an "Ayahuasca death". I was dying and being reborn.
After what felt like an eternity on the ground, I managed to stand up and look at the sky. I had never seen anything so spectacular. The moon, the stars, the edges of the crater, the fireflies lighting the forest up like a christmas tree, the teepee with the fire inside, the music coming from two guitars, the singing... and everyone having their own journey, contemplating nature and contemplating themselves. I was seeing this through beautiful rainbow-colored sacred geometry, which was covering everyone and everything. The shaman coming up to me was quite a sight in itself. I could see him as the old master that he is, with his cane and his poncho.
Such a breathtaking scene and moment in time.
The songs they were singing were key for me. They spoke directly to what I was experiencing and helped me become centered and understand what I was going through.
Finally, I went back into the teepee to rest.
One second was all that I got before having to rush out to throw up again. I tried controlling my mind and staying on my feet. My body was trembling so hard that I could barely stay still and balanced. I felt like a drunk person, zigzagging around.
As I was standing there, the shaman came up to me and asked me if I wanted help to come down. “Yes please!” He went in and came back out with a bottle of a different type of medicine. “Close your eyes”, he said. Two seconds later he spat that medicine on my face. He then did the same in different parts of my head, my shoulders, and my back. It completely shook me up. But it didn’t work. I was desperate. “I just want this to end.”
“Nicolas, why would I want to do this again?! And how will I ever have the strength to do this for two more nights??”
“Francesca, don’t worry about that right now.”
There were two chairs outside, and I sat on one of them. I looked up into the sky and my dad came to my mind. "Dad, where are you?! I miss you." Tears started running down my face. I was able to release all the pain, sadness, and grief I had been keeping inside for such a long time. What a beautiful gift that was.
The shaman then came up to me and said: “Let’s go for a walk, it’ll be good for you”. He offered his arm as support, and I managed to get up, not without difficulty. We walked away from the teepee for a bit and then came back. He calmed me down and helped me understand everything I had gone through. As we were walking back, I felt the urgent need to go to the bathroom. I went, and THAT was what finally helped me come back down.
I went back to the teepee and lay down on my spot. I was beyond exhausted. I couldn’t deal with myself anymore. Everyone was already inside. Some were laughing, some were contemplating the fire, others were meditating or writing in their journals. I was ready to sleep.
To end the night, we had a closing ceremony. We all got to speak and share a little about our experiences. So much love and such peace in that group.
To finish, we had to snort tobacco once again.
My first night’s journey/odyssey started at 8 pm and ended at 4 am.
The entire second day was spent resting, enjoying nature and sharing our experiences.
Our diet was light and vegan. This was to make our journey more powerful and not have too much in our stomachs when the purging started that night.
Little did I know that that night I would finally understand what the word “exorcism” really meant...