My Exorcism Night (Ayahuasca part 3)
Updated: Mar 15, 2020
Before commencing the ceremony, the shaman warned us that the second night could be tougher because we would probably have to release something from within that wasn’t serving us anymore. Something related to what we had seen the night before.
Fear and resistance invaded me. My experience the first night had been so hard that I couldn’t imagine going through something worse. My body began shutting down, and I started feeling extremely tired and sleepy.
I voiced it to him and he asked me to trust and surrender. I understood that I was protected and that he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. He was there to hold our space and to guide us in the best way possible. He had my full trust from the very first time we met.
The morning after, he would explain to me that, once again, that was my ego trying to protect itself. It was trying to convince me not to drink the medicine that night. I had actually considered it, but I forced myself to do it because... “Francesca, what did you come here for?”
The ceremony started and he came around pouring tobacco on our hands for us to snort, and then proceeded to call us one by one offering each of us Ayahuasca.
I watched like a hawk when he was pouring my portion. The fear living within me was considerable.
He poured a very small amount, and I could finally breathe with peace. “Good, it will probably be a lot less strong than yesterday. Maybe I will barely notice it. I’m happy with that.”
I got up, raised the cup towards the fire, repeated my mantra: “I trust and surrender”, drank the horrid-tasting brew, sipped on some water, and then went back to my spot and laid down. I was so tired that I was convinced I would be able to fall asleep. After all, my friend who was next to me had been able to sleep all throughout her first Ayahuasca night. She barely even noticed it. So, why wouldn’t I be able to go through something similar that night, right?
Oh, how wrong I was…
In less than 5 minutes after drinking it, I closed my eyes and started seeing shapeshifting sacred geometry again. “Reality” abruptly became distorted and I began feeling unbelievably uncomfortable. My body… I couldn’t deal with it. The level of discomfort was such that I couldn’t stay still. It was horrible!! I started moving uncontrollably, trying to ease my pain.
Desperate to find a “way out” of this horrendous state, I ran out of the tent. I walked madly and aimlessly failing to stop it. Again, I was being bombarded with colorful mandalas. I was in a trance, but unable to separate myself from the pain my body was in. I suddenly started losing balance, zigzagging frantically. Finally, I dropped on my knees and threw up... again and again, and again. It kept coming through as if I had a bottomless pit inside. It was excruciating.
I started giving up. I lay down right there, as a fetus on the ground. The level of suffering I was going through was off the charts. The body trembling wouldn’t stop, either.
The shaman’s face appeared over me. “Francesca, don’t give up, don’t let it beat you. Control your mind. You have to get up. You can do this.”
With energy I didn’t think I had in me, I sat up. My eyes kept turning inwards, so my vision was pretty much gone. The dizziness I was experiencing was so strong that I struggled to even stay seated. I was hunched, sitting in a crooked position, but it didn’t matter. It was so much harder for me to move, that I was going to stay in whichever way I had managed to sit up.
Esperanza (“Hope” in Spanish - there are no coincidences), came up to me. She was there working with the shaman, supporting us in our journeys. Nicolas later told me that he had asked her to come help me until I came through the other side.
“Francesca, try to stand up”. She offered her hand as support, but I shook my head and succeeded in standing up on my own. I was determined to win that battle.
As I stood up, my body started going into powerful convulsions. “I can’t stop shaking”, I said in pain.
“Good, you’re feeling your energy, isn’t it wonderful?”, she said.
I didn’t know if to cry or to laugh at her observation.
I had never experienced anything like it. I needed it to stop!
She stayed by my side, guiding me and explaining what I was going through. “Feel your body, breathe in and out through your mouth, and center yourself. Let your body shake if it needs to.”
I was desperate, I couldn’t deal with it anymore. “Why is this so hard?”, I moaned constantly.
Finally, I glanced at the same chair I had sat on the night before and decided to take a seat, hoping that that would help put an end to my agony.
She followed me, leaned in, and said: “It’s time for you to release what doesn’t serve you anymore. That’s what you’re fighting against. Tell it that you don’t need it anymore. Tell it to leave. Say it with compassion. Thank it and let it go.”
I looked up into the night sky and started repeating out loud “I came here to heal. I came here to heal.” The trance had a very strong grip on me still and whatever I could see I saw through kaleidoscopic lenses. Pain, fear, confusion, and desperation were my reality.
At last, I said: “I love you, but go away! I don’t need you anymore.”
At that moment, I felt how this dense body of energy was being pushed from within. I realized I was pushing it out. There were two parts of me that were becoming separate, just how you experience the beginning of an out of body experience, but this time my consciousness was staying with my physical body.
The dense and heavy body of energy would almost completely become separate, but it would then push back and snap immediately back into me. I could feel the two forces within me battling hard. I finally had some clarity as to was happening with me.
“I love you, but GET OUT!!”, I chanted over and over again.
The same battle would continue for some time, with my body splitting into two and then snapping back into one. At the same time, I kept coming in and out of the trance, fighting to stay present and to have the strength I needed to win the battle.
I tried helping myself by remembering my purpose for being there, but Esperanza stopped me and asked me to not put words into the experience. To just feel into what was happening. “This is physical. You have the strength to push it out, to release it.”
I cried saying “I want to be free. I just want to be free.”
Suddenly, I closed my eyes and, through the breathtaking sacred geometry, I saw an angel coming down over me. It's hard to describe what s/he looked like. I witnessed how s/he connected with my aura and covered me with an overwhelming bright light. Incredible nurturing and powerful energy was being given to me. I couldn’t believe what was happening!
I then opened my eyes and, in a split second, my chest popped upward forcefully expelling that dense body of energy from within. I could see it expanding and disappearing into the universe, as my body fell back onto the chair.
I was FREE!!!!
In that second, my body stopped shaking, my eyes became centered, and I could see my surroundings very clearly. It’s as if I had woken up. I felt such peace. I was a new person. A massive smile appeared on my face. "I did it!!!" I had won the battle!
Everything I had gone through was so clear then.
“HOLY FUUUCK!!!” I said out loud and started laughing. I couldn’t believe what I had just experienced.
I felt such pride. “I’m a warrior. I’m brave. I just fought an incredible battle and I won. What a freaking battle!!!” I was smiling and laughing, sitting under a beautiful night sky, calmly watching the others go through their own processes. It felt so cozy and rewarding.
Esperanza hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and went back into the teepee. Nicolas came out to see how I was doing. “I’m doing amazing!” He smiled and proceeded to check on the others.
The following morning he explained to me that what I had expelled was FEAR. Not mine, but my family’s. Fear that I was carrying, that wasn’t mine, but that was still affecting me and weighing me down. He saw it with his own eyes. He said that I released this fear so my family could heal, and by doing so, I would be able to reach the next stage of my spiritual/personal growth.
I didn’t move from that chair for a few hours, gazing into the crater’s silhouette and the thickness of the forest around us, contemplating what I had just gone through. This had gone beyond my wildest dreams.
My exorcism lasted for 3 to 4 hours… I think. Although it felt like an eternity.
I was so excited, so elated, that I even played with some neon juggling balls for a bit. Then I went into the teepee to lay down and sleep.
The 3rd day was extremely rough due to a cleansing ceremony we did in the morning, with guayusa water. We had to drink until we could throw up everything we had inside. I drank so much and then couldn't purge. It was painful and had me in tears the whole day. Although, I know the crying was also attached to everything I had experienced and all that I was still releasing.
I wrote in my journal: “Grandma Ayahuasca, please be kind to me today. I’ve fought enough. I need to rest now.”
Sitting at our 3rd Ayahuasca ceremony that night, I told the shaman that I was very scared and extremely weak. Tears filled up my eyes at the idea of going through another battle like the ones I led on the previous nights. I wanted to honor and trust the process and so I was still willing to drink the medicine, but I also felt defeated.
Because of what I had said to him, he decided to give me very little brew once again. I knew that didn’t mean anything, as the night before he had given me a small amount and yet I still went in very deeply.
I drank it and waited calmly for it to take me in once again. It never did. Grandma Aya granted me my wish and let me rest for that whole night. I didn’t even throw up, which I was happy about since keeping the medicine inside your body also helps you heal.
I had the opportunity to witness everyone else’s journey, and that was an experience in itself.
The following morning we all gathered around the fire and shared the good and the bad, and our gratitude towards the whole experience and the people who supported us in our journeys.
Then, the shaman did a closing ceremony.
Integration is as important as the experience itself
I didn’t realize how powerful my experience had been until a few days later.
I had been hoping to get clarity about my own life, and instead, I got the opportunity to heal deeply rooted wounds that my whole family has been carrying from generation to generation. I was able to see different people’s lives, and I was able to become them, which helped me fill in so many blanks that have empowered me in a way I never would have imagined. And I know that I’m barely scratching the surface of understanding the shifts and blessings I’ve been given.
I met with Nicolas, the shaman, a few days later where he helped me integrate all that I experienced and understand how to work with it moving forward. That was so important for the whole process to be complete.
I understand now why not as many people go through something like this. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It tore me down. But I fought, I came through the other side, and I know this experience will continue changing my life as I move forward.
Personal and spiritual growth comes in so many different forms. The path towards self-realization is so unique to each one of us. You have to find the one that’s right for you, and trust in your inner voice. It will guide you towards what you need to experience. The more you learn to listen to your heart, the easier it will be for you to soar.
Whatever you decide to do, please do it consciously. Find whoever and whatever aligns with you, and be responsible in how you experience it. Ask yourself: “Am I ready for something like this?”. If the answer is “No”, have patience and learn to wait for when you are ready. You will know when.
With regards to plant medicine, it’s definitely not something to take lightly. If I hadn’t been very centered and emotionally stable, it could’ve broken me. If I hadn’t done it with the right shaman, with the right group of people, in the right setting, it could’ve negatively affected me in more ways than I can imagine.
So, please be responsible with yourself and your life. <3
I hope you enjoyed reading my story.
Please let me know what you thought of my experience, and what you’re taking away from it.
I'd love to hear from you!
If you have any questions about anything, I’m here for you. :)
Personal and spiritual work is a beautiful thing, and I’m so glad you’re letting me be a small part of yours.
ps. Can you believe I'm doing this again tomorrow night? Please think of me. <3